Time marches on

As I sit in my bed reading the book “I will Carry You” a story of a mom who has walked my path before me…I am compelled to write about all the things on my heart right now.  As I type, Nathan is taking the lights and remaining ornaments off of our Christmas tree and preparing to take it outside to leave at the curb for the boy scouts whom will pick it up in the morning to be recycled.  Every year it is sad to say goodbye to the tree that has been a part of our living room and memories for the past month and a half.  But this year it is a different feeling.  The first day of Advent when we took the kids to the Christmas tree farm to pick out our tree our lives were so very different than they are today the day of the Epiphany and the day we are walking our tree to the curb.  On that day over a month ago we were filled with joy.  Joy of thanksgiving for all we had been given and my thoughts were mainly on the promise to myself to make this season of Advent about our Lord and Savior and for our boys to be filled with anticipation for the birth of Jesus.  I had wanted each day of Advent to be about preparing for Jesus and I had prepared many traditions to start with the boys this advent season.  I wanted to do my part to make Christmas about Christ first and not about just Santa and toys.  We went to Church early that morning of the first day of Advent.  (the 7 am mass which might not have been the best idea looking back) But I had told Nathan all my plans for the day and it was made clear that we would have to get an early start.  After church we came home and changed and headed straight to the Tree farm.  The boys were so excited and we were amazed that even though James was only 22 months last Christmas he still remembered our tree and was looking forward to bringing a tree home and putting the angel on top.  We got to the tree farm and after walking around in circles looking over and over at each tree for imperfections and finally came to a consensus on the perfect tree.  We watched the men prepare the tree and the boys were so excited as Nathan strapped the tree to our car.  We drove home, put the kids down for their naps and began preparing our house for Christmas.  Later that day we wrapped up our baby Jesus from the Nativity we set up and talked of how that would be the first gift that our family would open on Christmas.  We created our first ornament for our Jesse Tree and read the verses and story that went along with the ornament.  The boys opened a gift for the first day of Advent, which was a puzzle of the Nativity scene that James has done now at least 100 times.  We hung the boys stockings on our mantle and Nathan and I chose which stocking I would begin making for our third child.  I decided to get a head start on his or her stocking so that I would have plenty of time to get it finished before his or her first Christmas next year.  At night we continued to pray at our home altar and we set up our advent candles to be lit during family prayers.  We prayed every night for our sweet baby and rejoiced in how blessed we were for our growing family.  Tonight as Nathan carries the tree out to the street I can’t help but think about how different today is from that day.  On December 12^th about half way through our Advent journey our lives were turned upside down.  I feel there was a reason that our journey started during this season and I feel I can and have connected with Mary through this season of Advent more than every before.  This is a Christmas that we will never forget.  It may be the only Christmas here on earth that Joshua gets to spend with us and we spent this Advent cherishing our memories of him with us during this season.  Now that Christmas is over and as we pack up our decorations it makes me sad and scared to the time ahead of us.  I so desperately want time to stop.  I just want Joshua to LIVE forever and if he can only live while in me then I never want him to come out.  Before December 12^th I was so excited for time to go quickly and I spent most days skipping a head to his birth preparing for how our lives would change as a family of 5.  We already bought a new car with a third row, moved a second twin bed into James room for John Patrick and started preparing for things in the near future.  The trip we would take in May to Florida to see Nathan’s sister get married, how that would work with a 3 year old 1 year old and few week old.  I spent days daydreaming of how that trip or how this summer would look.  I was counting down the days I would carry him or her and couldn’t wait to have our new addition.  Now everything has changed.  I am no longer counting down the days with excitement but rather grasping for each day not to pass and am filled with so many questions and uncertainly of how I will make it through each coming day.  The end of Christmas is the first big sign that time is moving on and that Joshua’s birth however or whenever that day comes is fast approaching.  As I type I feel his little body kick and move inside of me.  Oh how I don’t understand right now God’s reason for our trial.  I pray for understanding I pray for Grace and I pray to be the mom Joshua deserves during his time with us and beyond.  Something I read tonight stuck with me.  TRIAL (old testament) noun: from the Hebrew word sara which comes from the root srh, which means, “to bind, tie up, restrict.” Thus comes to denote a narrow place in life where one is bound or restricted…  Oh how I feel bound and restricted.