On August 24, 2011 we found out we were pregnant with our
third child. Nathan and I were
over the moon excited. We felt so
blessed to have conceived another child.
As soon as we found out we were pregnant we began praying for a healthy
baby and for a healthy delivery.
Our second son was born in an emergency c-section after a failed
VBAC. My uterus ruptured during
delivery and my doctor had warned us about the risks of future
pregnancies. Over the next 5
months we were busy preparing with excitement for our new edition. We bought a new SUV that would fit the
three car seats we would need and added a bed to James’ room for John Patrick
to move in.
Then on December 12th
our world stopped spinning. On
December 12th we went in for our BIG ultrasound. I had been worried about this
ultrasound for weeks with no reason to be. The night before I couldn’t sleep and that morning I just
didn’t feel right. When I saw our
baby on the ultrasound screen with a strong heartbeat my heart leapt for
joy. I was so relieved that
everything was ok. I just couldn’t
stop smiling by how miraculous our child looked. Finally they brought Nathan into the room and then the
radiologist came in to look over things.
My heart started racing the longer and longer he took to look at our
baby. I had done this appointment
twice before and usually the radiologist just looks everything over and goes on
his way. When he lifted the probe
off my belly and looked up at me I knew something was terribly wrong. The words he spoke were, “Darlin’ I
wish I had better news.” After a
long pause he went on to tell us all that was wrong with our beautiful
baby. He finished by saying “This
baby is not viable.” Nathan and I
were devastated, and crushed, but most of all confused. He spoke to us as if our beautiful
baby, the baby we had just spent over an hour watching on the ultrasound move
and kick that our baby was dead.
We asked him how our baby couldn’t be viable but be alive. He told us, “well yes your baby is
alive right now, but this baby can not live outside of you and probably wont
make it many more days in your womb.”
He then told us that he would send us upstairs where someone would speak
to us about scheduling a procedure.
Words can’t express how I felt in that moment. The radiologist walked out and the technician who was still
in the room asked us if we wanted to know the sex. Nathan and I both said yes before she finished asking the
question. “It was a boy.” (she spoke as if he were dead) As soon as she said boy my eyes couldn’t
hold back the tears any longer.
Nathan said, “Joshua Lawrence” (the name we had already chosen if it
were a boy) I began shaking and
felt as if my world was collapsing before me. As we went upstairs the only thing I remember telling Nathan
was, “I am not killing my
baby!” When we got upstairs there
were a lot of unpleasant moments.
I got my point across and we were scheduled with a specialist for the
next day.
On Wednesday, March 21st we went in for
a NST (non stress test) on Joshua at 7:45am. Joshua didn't pass the NST
so we were told by our Doctor that if we didn't deliver within the day that she
didn't think Joshua would survive through the night. Since our desire was
for Joshua to have every chance to be born alive we began to prepare for his
delivery. I stayed hooked up to the heart monitors all day so that they
could continue to watch Joshua closely. It was such a blessing to hear
the beautiful sound of his heart beat all day long. Finally we were told
that we were on the schedule for the operating room at 6pm. It was so
hard knowing that the time had come and that I had carried him as long as
possible. When 6pm came around we found out that we had been bumped from
the O.R. and then again at 8 we were bumped again. We were grateful for
the extra hours but we were worried because now we would not get to use the
anesthesiologist we had requested because he had been in the two surgeries
before us. The reason we had requested him was because he was the only
anesthesiologist that would be ok with allowing us to have a priest in the O.R.
during delivery. The nurses gave us this news and said that the
anesthesiologist that had been called in was one that none of them knew and
they weren't sure if he would allow the priest to be present. About an
hour later Dr. Kim came to prep me for surgery. He told us that he would
welcome a priest and extra prayer in his O.R. and told us that he attended St.
Anne's Catholic Church. We were relieved by this and felt God's hand in
picking this doctor. As I was wheeled into the O.R. it was so different
from my previous c-sections. For one I hadn't spent all day in labor so I
was very much aware of everything going on. Secondly the unknown of what
was to come in the next few minutes was terrifying, however I did have a sense
of peace knowing God was in control. As Dr. Kim preformed the spinal on
me and began to set everything up I started to hear him praying under his
breath. This was so calming since the room was filled with nurses and
doctors talking about our birth plan, counting equipment and prepping me.
As Dr. Adam announced she was starting to cut; Nathan and Fr. Peter were not
yet in the room. I looked at Dr. Kim and he said "I promise they will
walk in any second". About that time they both arrived. Nathan
and I began praying and Dr. Kim loudly prayed right along with us. He
opened my hand and placed the rosary he had in his hand and said "hold
this" He held my right hand and Nathan held my left. Doctor Adam
had a hard time getting into my uterus because my scars had sunken down and she
was having to cut through muscle tissue. During this time I was reminded
of my previous c-section and prayed harder that she would not have a problem
saving my uterus after Joshua was born. After what felt like forever she
held Joshua up to show me and said "he's just a little munchkin" She
said nothing else and not hearing a sound while they cleaned him up I didn't
know if he was alive or not. From looking back at videos he was only away
from me for less than 3 minutes but those were the longest minutes of my
life. Nathan had gone over to Joshua but Dr. Kim continued to pray what
seemed like 100 Hail Marys with me. Finally Nathan walked over and handed
me Joshua and told me that he was alive. I think those were the sweetest
words I will ever hear. Dr. Kim let go of my hand and told me to keep his
rosary. Immediately Fr. Peter began the most beautiful Baptism of
Joshua. When he finished Nathan and I just kissed our sweet boy and told
him over and over how much we loved him. Our sweet nurse went to tell our
family the news that Joshua was here and was alive. When she came back
she told us that everyone had wanted to know what he weighs and the nurse asked
if she could take him from us to weigh him. Nurse Patty said that my mom
insisted that Joshua was 2.5 pounds, to which everyone in the room said that
there is no way he weighs that much. When Patty put Joshua on the scale
she couldn't believe it. Joshua weighed 2.45 pounds, which they would
round up to be 2.5 pounds. Patty gave Joshua back to us and we continued
to love on him while Dr. Adam finished closing me up. Dr. Adam told me as
she closed me up, "I did a very good job if I do say so myself. I
think you can have 2 more c-sections. Well at least 2 more."
Those were some of the second sweetest words of the night. Praise
God! Two of our prayers had been answered. Joshua was born alive
and we would be able to have more children in the future. A minute later
Joshua's Doctor asked if she could check Joshua. Nathan and I looked at
each other in the eyes and both knew that he had gone home to Heaven. She
confirmed what we already knew, Joshua was born at 10:26 and died at
11:08. I held Joshua as they wheeled me down the hall to the room they
had set up for us. Nathan went to
break the news to our family. Just seconds after they wheeled me in the
room they let our families come flooding in. James was the first one to
run into the room. He immediately climbed up on my bed and asked if he
could hold his brother. To James, Joshua was perfect. He had been
talking for months of how he wanted to get to hold his brother and he was so
excited that the time had come to get to hold him. He wouldn't let anyone
help him. He kissed him, sang to him and told him he loved him.
Everybody wanted to of course hold Joshua which James allowed but then he
wanted him right back each time. I had prayed so hard that James and John
Patrick wouldn't be scared and would get to have time with their brother.
James is so smart and he told us that night that he didn't want to talk about
the sad part. The next day we had him tell his brother good-bye and he
told us that he knew that Joshua was in Heaven with Jesus.
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